Essay Feedback

I would first like to say, thank you for trudging through my essay. I apologize for my verb tense usage, but I will definitely put some time and effort in to fix that. Mrs. Scott, you gave great suggestions to add to the persuasiveness of the essay, and that is to include counterarguments. Its all well and good that I'm asking people to spend time and help the Special Olympics, but these are student athletes that we're talking about, people who have to juggle schoolwork and sport commitments. I think that the time commitment is an important point to address, and it will complement my essay well.

In response to your suggestion of including more student athlete testimonies, what I really meant was that it would be nice if I could include more of that. There has only been one event during which the Special Olympics and Virginia Tech has gotten involved with each other, and I covered that event in my essay. I do want to address the fact that I didn't give reasons why it is important for student athletes to contribute their time. One of the reasons is that they serve as role models, especially in the Blacksburg area, which consists of Virginia Tech, essentially. Furthermore, student athletes understand what sports can do for a person, and this is a chance to share that experience. They may even get a different perspective by seeing the way sport affects the Special Olympians. Lastly, student athletes are great volunteers because they can help teach the sport to other people and act as coaches, and in Unified Sports Leagues they can play their sport side-by-side with the Special Olympians. I guess I didn't make these points as obvious as I could have, but those were the key ideas addressing importance of student athletes.

I definitely need to work on my conclusion, because, I agree, it seems "rushed and insincere." I don't think that is the message I want to portray to my audience. Again, Mrs. Scott, thank you for reading my essay and this feedback, you've been a great help. Seeing the response in letter form, defintely leaves the changes up to me, and is similar to the comparison of the flexibility of the essay and the more rigid research proposal.